This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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