Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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