i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
