I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
