he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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