Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
