wakey wakey hands off snakey
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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