I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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