i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
