Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
