I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
