Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
