we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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