Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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