I'm really into asian looking animals
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
