The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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