I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
