I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
