i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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