He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
