if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
