new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I would ride that face into the sunset
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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