If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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