you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
