Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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