My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
