I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
