You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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