I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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