I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I need to stop coming to work sober
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
