I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
