please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
