Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
