Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
