my sisters under your porch take her home
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
