it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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