My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
