I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
