Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
