I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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