when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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