just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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