made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize