He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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