If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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