I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
