I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
