I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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