dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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