Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
