How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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