oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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