I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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