fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
