I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
now i know why i became what i already was.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize