You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
