come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
