After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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