White coat. Heels.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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