I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A+ Viking dick
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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