his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
