I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
