This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
