She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
