My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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