my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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