if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
