Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
