my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
