So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You are a genius and a whore.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
