just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
