I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
