all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
