I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
